


old flame

by last



Category: BTOB
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:00:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6030700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last/pseuds/last
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dreams come to an end and futures that were once bright fade, yet eunkwang still has the urge to pick up the pieces three years later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	old flame

**Author's Note:**

> (a.k.a. post-disbandment au)
> 
> it’s here! i believe it’s a thousand times better than the old one and i’m really proud of it, but how could i have written something like this twice... idk. (trust me though, none of my ‘angst’ will ever have a completely unhappy ending, so no worries. i promise.) to be honest, i didn’t anticipate this being the next fic that i would actually finish, but i had a sudden burst of motivation and i actually love it a lot. i also just want to say that the possible romantic aspect of eunkwang/minhyuk is mostly implied, in case anyone came here with certain expectations. (that’s if you interpret it that way, i mean.) that aside, i did enjoy exploring their relationship, in whichever sense, and maybe you will too.

On most mornings, Eunkwang can’t seem to shake the feeling that he’s still got some unfinished business to deal with from the second he wakes up. He tends to drag himself to the balcony when this happens, let the sun sting his eyes a little to wake him up and light a cigarette as the chilly air nips at his skin, makes the blood rush to his nose and turn it pink. He’s sworn that he’ll quit smoking over a hundred times this past year, but the day that it happens is not quite today.

(He can’t seem to recall when exactly he had picked up the habit anymore, but he knows it was after he had realised that he no longer needed to sing. He will quit though, he swears.)

It’s the turn of the New Year – yet another one – and he’s determined to make everything better this time.

Once there’s nothing but a few centimetres of his cigarette left, he heads back indoors and draws back all of his curtains. Light. That’s always what he needs to brighten things up, although it’s the middle of winter and the sun barely bothers to show up at the moment. Then he needs a shower to wake up the last parts of him that are still sleeping – usually his attention and memory, which both require a bit of a boost at the start of the day.

After a simple breakfast – two slices of bread, lightly toasted, and a cup of hot tea with a couple of sugars – Eunkwang locks the door of his apartment behind him and makes his way over to the park across the road. He’s got a plastic bag firm in his hands and it’s full of crumbs and crusts.

When the idea that he would spend his mornings and early afternoons feeding birds first crossed Eunkwang’s mind, it had been a joke between Minhyuk and himself during another of their conversations about growing old together. The assumption that it’d end up being so much earlier – in his mid-twenties, to be exact – was something to laugh over.

Yet here he is, like he is once every week. It’s not so bad though, and not nearly as sad as they had made it out to be. There’s something kind of pleasant about it, or perhaps even satisfying, that the birds will always come flocking no matter what. Sure, they can’t talk, but Eunkwang is certain that they must appreciate it.

There’s an old phrase that always comes back to Eunkwang when he’s alone like this, that Minhyuk had said in passing but it stuck with him somehow, “You’re so good, Eunkwang. Almost too good.”

But if he was that good, he reckons he would have made things better for the seven of them by now.

 

 

 

 

(That night, Eunkwang has a nightmare – except that it’s not quite a dream in that it’s fantasy, but a recollection of what had happened three to four years ago and very much reality.

_Born to beat! Hello, we’re BTOB!_

Their debut had been fairly well-received, as far as debuts are, and they had promoted until the end of the year despite a few issues here and there. The competition had been fierce and it was true that they feared that they’d get lost in it all, but somehow Eunkwang had believed that they’d make it out of there alive. He’d always believed in them with everything he had. They had another comeback promised for the next year, although no exact date had been proposed, and they waited with an excitement that they had held onto since they were given their first song.

But as time continued to pass, nothing ever came of that. Instead, the schedules gradually disappeared one by one until they had completely stopped and everybody had forgotten about a group named BTOB, and there was little else they could do but practise night and day.

Eventually, the seven of them were called into the main office before they had even reached their first anniversary, and there was news, but nothing like what they had wanted.

No, they were told that it was over, and Eunkwang’s heart has never broken harder than it did when he realised what was happening.

Eunkwang considers himself pretty good at keeping things together. Besides, he’s spent his life being knocked down for all kinds of reasons, but whenever he remembers what the world had done to them – when these memories are forced back into his head and he has to relive them again – there’s little he can do to stop it from getting to him.

Eunkwang had fought, and fought, and fought for them, he had given every last part of him to make sure that they’d make it, but it wasn’t enough.)

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang meets Minhyuk in January.

He catches up with him at least a few times a month anyway. He calls him on a Monday, then waits for him at their usual coffee shop on the Wednesday when he’s free in the afternoon. Eunkwang sees him outside the window as he’s already sitting inside, and Minhyuk gives him a cheerful wave before he reaches the door as he always does.

(The alternative is that they meet at Eunkwang’s restaurant at night, but Minhyuk’s been keeping an especially careful eye on his diet since he became a personal trainer and Eunkwang’s menu doesn’t exactly comply with that. These meetings are much rarer, of course, but Minhyuk does allow them from time to time.)

“Good afternoon,” Minhyuk says as he hangs his coat and scarf on the back of his chair and takes a seat.

“Busy day?” Eunkwang asks.

“Mm, not really,” he shrugs, and he turns to the waitress without checking the menu when she wanders over. “A strawberry and banana smoothie and a chicken salad, please, thank you,” then he looks back over to Eunkwang. “How’s business been for you?”

“Winter is always tougher, but we’re pushing forwards at any rate.”

Eunkwang sips his coffee as Minhyuk’s order arrives. It’s a latte with added creamer and sugar, because Eunkwang’s still kind of tender in almost every way and that hasn’t changed one bit. He’s sensitive when it comes to taste – bitterness is off limits for the most part, and sourness is out of the question altogether. Minhyuk’s said for some time now that that reflects how Eunkwang is as a person too, perhaps since one of the first weeks they had known each other, that he’s too sweet and rarely ever bitter. It’s a miracle, Minhyuk believes, that Eunkwang is like this even now, after everything he’s been through.

“I’ve been thinking,” Eunkwang starts after downing the last of his coffee. “That a reunion is definitely possible this year.”

“Eunkwang...” Minhyuk tilts his head very slightly, and he looks at Eunkwang like he’s sorry but he knows that him being the one to say it wouldn’t make a difference. “I know that it’s your dream, but—”

“It’ll be this year, Minhyuk, I swear,” he insists, and he’s still as optimistic about it as ever. “We just... haven’t been doing enough. That’s why it hasn’t happened yet. I mean, when was the last time you spoke to, I don’t know, Ilhoon? Hyunsik?”

“I haven’t—”

“See? What’s happened to us, Minhyuk? We promised them that we’d always be together.”

“Eunkwang, there’s not much that we can do,” Minhyuk frowns and he’s always been Eunkwang’s voice of reason, but there’s a tiny part of him, deep down on the inside, that believes that it’s possible three years on. There’s a piece of him that thinks Minhyuk can’t be completely right about this, regardless of how he usually is. “I’m sure everybody’s doing fine, living their lives and they... they don’t need us. We can’t cling onto them forever.”

“Maybe, but I have to try,” Eunkwang smiles at Minhyuk like he does whenever he has an idea or a plan, and Minhyuk goes along with each and every one of them before either of them realise that they’re bad.

When Minhyuk finishes his salad, they split the bill between them and pay for their own orders. That’s how it is when they eat together – they take responsibility for what’s theirs but, if they happen to be at Eunkwang’s restaurant, of course there’s no charge. It’s snowing outside now and it’s only gentle, but Minhyuk offers Eunkwang his scarf as all that he has is a jacket that isn’t particularly thick nor thin as a result of poor judgement. He wraps it around Eunkwang’s neck and a part of his chin with care before they head out.

“Do you have to get back to the gym now?” Eunkwang asks.

“Yeah,” Minhyuk nods, and he checks his watch. “I still have a couple of sessions this evening.”

“Okay, well, perhaps you could drop by before I close tonight? We don’t have to eat if you don’t want to, but it’s been some time since we last saw each other.”

“Sure,” Minhyuk nods again to agree. “I was pretty busy during the holidays, I’m sorry, but we can make up for that.”

It’s the coldest winter the city’s experienced in years and each time either of them breathe out, they can see it in the form of a translucent puff of air, a miniature cloud floating in front of them for a few seconds. Eunkwang reaches into his pocket for his lighter and pulls it out when he finds it, figuring that a quick tab could warm him up and he hasn’t had one in over an hour.

“Eunkwang-ah,” Minhyuk shakes his head when he notices. “Stop smoking this year, will you? We’re supposed to grow old together.”

“Sorry, I know,” Eunkwang says, but he lights his cigarette anyway. “I will, okay? For you, I promise.”

He inhales, and he reluctantly lets out a cough – a big, throaty one that only has Minhyuk frowning at him again.

“Can you even sing anymore? Goodness,” he says and Eunkwang knows he doesn’t mean it, that it’s not said with the sole intention of hurting him, but somehow it’s still like a knife in his heart despite the fact that he hasn’t sung for anybody in years. “I’m sorry, Eunkwang. I don’t know why I said that.”

“No, you’re right,” he replies, and he forces himself to put out the cigarette and toss it into a trashcan as they walk past it.

They reach the gym before the restaurant, and before he knows it it’s time to part ways again. He unravels Minhyuk’s scarf and hands it back to him, thanks him for being so kind, and he insists that it’s nothing.

“Minhyuk-ah,” Eunkwang calls out before Minhyuk goes to push open the door. “Could I maybe sing for you? I think... I think that it would help me to quit, if I had a better reason to.”

“Yes, absolutely,” Minhyuk replies and he’s got a sparkle in his eye as if he’s lighting up all of a sudden, as if he’d been waiting to be asked something like this for so long and he finally has. “You know how to reach me, so let me know when.”

“Okay,” he smiles back at him.

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang meets Ilhoon in February.

There was a fair bit of reluctance the first few times Eunkwang had suggested it. After a handful of further attempts and an unrelenting effort, he eventually caved in and agreed to meet Eunkwang at his restaurant, and that was only after he had emphasised that dinner would be on him. (In other words, completely free.) He hasn’t seen Ilhoon since last summer when he had managed to arrange a lunch for five, and while Ilhoon had been in good spirits then, he knows how that can change. He just needs to make sure that it hasn’t, at least not too much.

When Eunkwang asked if Hyunsik would be able to come, Ilhoon said no, he wouldn’t, so it’s just the two of them sitting at a table right before closing hours tonight.

“It’s been so long,” Eunkwang pours soju for them both – Ilhoon first, then for himself afterwards. “Have you been up to much lately?”

“Well, I’m not doing anything at all these days, if that’s what you want to know,” he shrugs and Eunkwang can already tell that things aren’t quite right at the moment, because as nonchalant as he can be, it isn’t like this most of the time.

“Oh, then how’s Hyunsik?” Eunkwang asks to continue the conversation before it dies as quickly as it had started. He smiles to keep up the mood. “Is he working or something tonight?”

“I don’t know. We actually broke up a few months ago,” Ilhoon replies and there’s a pause, a joint speechlessness between the two of them, and Eunkwang suddenly regrets having opened his mouth at all. “Sorry to be a downer.”

And Eunkwang’s heart sinks. If there was ever a relationship out there that he believed would survive anything including the test of time, it was theirs, but even that hasn’t lasted and he’s beginning to question whether anything does.

“No, it’s okay,” he insists and he’s yet to accept it himself. “But are _you_ okay?”

“I don’t know,” Ilhoon’s voice goes quiet as he starts to stir his soup. He lifts up a spoonful, then pours all of it back into the bowl again as steam rises before his face. “I just feel kind of pointless lately.”

“Tell me what happened.”

“I just—I don’t even know,” he says for the third time, and the way he looks is like he’s had everything taken from him and the only thing he’s been left with is himself. And Eunkwang’s sorry that he hadn’t known, because if he had, he would have been there for him like he believes he should have. “I mean, I do. We didn’t fight. I just wanted him to do better. Better than somebody like me who couldn’t finish college and can’t hold down a job either,” Ilhoon continues and he bites down on his bottom lip for a second. “Yeah, it was me. I broke it off.”

“But he loved you—no, he _loves_ you. He’s never cared about any of that.”

“Yeah,” he repeats. “I know,” he sighs to himself and there’s a tremble in his voice, but he carries on despite that. “He was the only thing that kept me thinking that... that I was still doing fine, that I hadn’t failed at everything I’d ever done, but I thought that I’d need to learn to live without him too.”

“It’s not your fault that things turned out this way, Ilhoon. You were so young. You still are, and you still have a lot of time,” Eunkwang offers him, even if his words aren’t truly enough to make it better.

“Well, there’s not much that I really want to do anymore,” Ilhoon pushes his bowl away without having tasted anything. “What would I have done with a degree in theatre? Nothing.”

“Don’t you still like to read? Or write? You’re such a smart kid, Ilhoon.”

“No,” he says.

In the wake of the disbandment, Eunkwang knew right away that Ilhoon had taken it the hardest, even more so than he did. He had become a co-host of a pretty well-known variety show towards the end of their first year, the company had pushed him more than most of them and yet, in the end, they no longer wanted to keep him either. It was odd, as an understatement, and he’s unaware even now that Eunkwang had walked back into that office and fought for his sake.

To no avail, of course, but it was the first time he had ever stood up to them like that and he doesn’t regret having tried at all.

The thing is is that Ilhoon’s true dream was to be a composer, a producer, a significant figure in their music industry, and he was getting there for sure. He knew a lot for his age and, in another year or so, Eunkwang had assumed that he’d be at the top. But that never happened. He didn’t have the chance. They had taken it all away from him before he could even start, and he never became anything that he had wanted to be.

They call it tough luck, the usual in this business, but Eunkwang calls it holding out a kid’s dream right in front of him, only to destroy it once he’s gotten closer.

Ilhoon eventually eats some of his rice before the night is over, with some encouragement from Eunkwang. He drinks more than that, but not nearly enough for him to even be tipsy, and that’s all he needs in order to get by, he insists. Although it’s no longer snowing these days, it’s still just as cold as January and they walk along the empty street with their coats zipped all the way up and hands deep in their pockets. Eunkwang doesn’t even have the urge to smoke right now.

There’s an advertisement in the bus stop they pass by, and it’s telling them to treat their significant others to a brand new Rolex watch for a fraction off of the original price this Valentine’s Day. Ilhoon stares at the ground as they continue walking, and Eunkwang watches him closely in case he finally crumbles.

He knows it’s not always the best idea to open his mouth, because some things are better left unsaid and untouched, but he has to ask, “Are you thinking about—”

“Yes.”

“Pick up the phone and call him, Ilhoon,” Eunkwang says before they have to separate and he heads in the opposite direction. “Do you think Hyunsik is the type to have moved on already?” he shakes his head. “You’re the love of his life, you know.”

When Eunkwang thinks of Ilhoon, he thinks of a bright, young boy who had a fire burning in his heart, novels he’s never heard of before, western singers he can’t for the life of him recognise no matter how many times he’s told about them, and Im Hyunsik.

Eunkwang had known Hyunsik before Ilhoon had even joined the company, but the second that he did, they gravitated towards each other so naturally. During the first couple of years, Hyunsik had taught Ilhoon almost every last thing he knew about music, was always the one to pull him back up again whenever he was down (and, in those days, that could be often depending on the week). That was all that it seemed like.

But when Hyunsik falls, he falls hard.

And Eunkwang only realised just how hard when Hyunsik had told him, one night in the kitchen when everybody else had gone to sleep, “I think I’m in love with him, hyung. I love him so much, I would give him the entire world.”

Having been in an industry in which nothing seems that real, there are few things that Eunkwang has heard that are as genuine as what Hyunsik had said to him. You see, when Hyunsik loves, he loves with everything that he’s got and it’s the kind of love that’ll never leave anybody hungry and after more, because he’s already given more than enough to last a lifetime.

Ilhoon loved Hyunsik back just as much, as much as anyone could love somebody for the first time – with an eagerness and pure sincerity that people often take for granted. But Hyunsik never did, no, he made sure to give Ilhoon the best first love that he could. Above everything, their love was equal and Eunkwang had never witnessed anything quite like it, and that was why he believed that it could be everlasting, against all odds.

And, like a handful of things in life, perhaps he was mistaken and simply too optimistic.

According to Ilhoon, Hyunsik moved back to his hometown of Ilsan following the breakup and, as far as he’s aware, he’s been there ever since. It’s a good distance from Seoul, but it’s not great enough that it’s impossible to see him again, of course. And Eunkwang’s sorry that he hasn’t made the effort, because if he had, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten this rough during the past months and he could have tried to make it better by now.

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang meets Changsub in March.

It’s actually rather easy to get a hold of him most of the time, considering that what he does for a living is skateboard now, like he had originally planned to. There are the odd competitions here and there, and Eunkwang has the tendency to try contacting him when he’s busy taking part in these by some poor luck, but he’s free for the majority of this month. He calls him up and invites him to dinner, with Minhyuk, at his restaurant on the twenty-first.

“It’s our anniversary, and there’s only three of us here,” Changsub says, downing at least half of his soju straight after.

“I tried my best,” Eunkwang supposes, and he reminds himself that that’s what counts. “I thought Ilhoon might have at least considered coming, but I don’t know.”

“I thought you had met up with him recently,” Minhyuk frowns. “Did that not go well?”

“It’s not that it went badly, but I think he wants to be left alone,” Eunkwang replies and, as unlike him as it is, he had expected this anyway. “I texted him, asking if he’d like to come tonight, but nothing.”

“Oh, how is he doing?”

“Well, he and Hyunsik broke up, so you can imagine.”

“Out of all people, I never thought that they’d—”

“I know,” Eunkwang slouches as he says that. “I thought that... they’d always be together, I really did,” he shakes his head to himself. “Hyunsik moved back to Ilsan, so that’s why he couldn’t be here either. It would’ve been too tight for his schedule, I guess.”

“Well, it’s not like we’re not used to it being just the three of us,” Changsub suggests – being the one to bring out the positives tonight – and Eunkwang supposes he’s right, although he’s dreamed about having all seven of them at least being together on this day for three years now. The first year was close enough with Donggeun missing, the second year was not nearly as empty as it is right now with Sungjae missing too, but this time there are four of them who should be here, yet they’re nowhere in sight.

“Have you seen Sungjae’s new movie?” Minhyuk asks after emptying his soup bowl. “It came out this past weekend.”

“No, I haven’t. Have you?” Eunkwang asks back.

“I was thinking that we could all go watch it together.”

“Sounds good,” Changsub agrees. “Don’t tell him, but I miss him so much.”

They arrange to meet again at the coming weekend. Minhyuk will get the tickets for them, he promises as he receives some sort of a work-related discount, and naturally Eunkwang will provide dinner afterwards. Sure, that’ll be two meals at his place in one month, but Minhyuk doesn’t seem to mind as much as he used to anymore. And Changsub, he could buy the popcorn and drinks, he says, and it’ll be like old times again with the three of them. (Not that they’ve ever actually stopped, but the holidays had separated them for a short while, and they’re now getting back into the usual swing of things as they do each year.)

Eunkwang still smokes during the walk back home, alone, but he’s been doing so less than he used to these days and that’s progress.

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang meets Sungjae in April.

He was the only one the company ended up keeping, said they saw potential in him that they didn’t in the rest, and that broke Eunkwang’s heart the most because he’d always believed that they all deserved a second chance. He still truly does. There are no bitter feelings involved, of course. Not towards Sungjae, anyway, because Eunkwang was also the one who told him to take what he was offered and run with his dreams, as much as he didn’t want to go on without them. Eunkwang still loves Sungjae as much as he did back then, like he’s his own kid and he’d do anything for him in a heartbeat.

Over the course of three years, Sungjae’s managed to become one of the nation’s most beloved celebrities and it’s impossible to go anywhere without seeing his face. He’s on the walls of subway stations, in the windows of every kind of store imaginable, and even across the skyline of the city.

Naturally, he’s difficult to keep in touch with these days, but he tries his best and Eunkwang fully appreciates so much as a quick hello when he can get one. He has a bit of time during the afternoon one Sunday, so he invites Eunkwang over to his place. (It’s not as simple to meet somewhere out in the public – even if Sungjae wears a mask, almost everybody can recognise his eyes now.)

There’s security to get through once Eunkwang arrives at the address he’d been given, but Sungjae interrupts the procedure and lets them know that it’s okay, he’s an old and dear friend and he’s been expecting him. He leads the way to his apartment by taking the elevator, and once he unlocks the door Eunkwang doesn’t even think he has the words to describe it.

It’s immaculate, and the living room alone is probably bigger than his own apartment as a whole. There’s a huge flatscreen television hanging on the wall and a fluffy rug on the ground in front of it, paintings of block colours that Eunkwang doesn’t understand why anybody would pay for here and there, and a state of the art stereo system standing at the other side of the room. The couch is soft and comfortable when they sit down together, and Eunkwang sinks in it a little.

“I actually don’t have as much time as I had said. I’m sorry,” Sungjae apologises first of all. “Last minute schedules, they’re a pain.”

“Well, that’s okay,” Eunkwang assures him and he gets it. There’s nothing wrong with that.

“How have you been, anyway? Have you been up to much?”

“I’ve been good, working as usual. I’ve started to sing again too. What about you?” Eunkwang asks back.

“Oh, really? That’s great to hear,” Sungjae replies, bobbing up excitedly. “I haven’t slept, but apart from that, I’m doing fine,” he continues and he laughs about it, but Eunkwang wishes he could do something like temporarily trade lives, perhaps, just so he can finally catch up on every hour of sleep he’s ever missed.

“I’m glad,” he says instead. “Ah, I watched your new movie last month,” he suddenly remembers. “I went with Minhyuk and Changsub. We really enjoyed it. We all thought that you were amazing.”

“Thank you, hyung,” Sungjae smiles and he should be used to hearing things like that by now, but he still looks the way he did whenever anybody would compliment him at all back then.

Sungjae may be a household name now but, to Eunkwang, he’s still the boy who stumbled on his words and bowed at a perfect ninety-degree angle the first time they had met. He had the tips of his hair covering his eyes and an ill-fitting tracksuit on, and now his hair is pushed back so smartly and he’s wearing a crisp shirt that probably costs more than what Eunkwang makes in a busy month.

He couldn’t be prouder of him, but Sungjae still wishes it was the seven of them standing up on stage, not just him. He may be somebody now, but even he doesn’t have the power to bring them back, and he would have already if he could.

“I have to get going,” Sungjae checks his watch – an expensive-looking one that Eunkwang would be afraid to even touch. “I’m sorry that this wasn’t much, hyung, but maybe I could treat you all to dinner sometime.”

“It’s okay,” Eunkwang assures him again, and he doesn’t bother telling him that if that was to happen, it would most likely be only four of them.

At some point in the past, Sungjae had a complicated relationship with Ilhoon, if Eunkwang is to be honest. He liked Ilhoon so much, and Ilhoon liked him enough too, but he also liked Hyunsik and that was the problem. It was a tug of war, he supposes, and Sungjae and Hyunsik each had their own special ways of tackling it. Sungjae was fiery – that was his approach – and Hyunsik perhaps gentler, more subtle, yet in a way that it was still painfully obvious.

They both had their positives, their selling points that the other lacked, like Sungjae was so eager and full of life, and Hyunsik had experience and knew better than most people how to wait. In other aspects, they were exactly the same though. They both believed that everything Ilhoon touched turned to gold, and they would have done anything for him if he asked them to. That only made it harder, because nobody had ever loved Ilhoon quite like that before, and then there were two of them.

In the end, Ilhoon still chose Hyunsik, and Sungjae still liked Ilhoon despite it all. He decided that he was happy, because he was too.

And he had wanted Ilhoon to stay as much as Eunkwang did, but even he couldn’t convince the company to give him another chance. He’s never told Ilhoon that either, but it was the least he could do for him. He’s a truly good kid at heart, one of the best Eunkwang’s ever known, and his love has never died out, although it’s no longer the same as it used to be. (For the better, that is, for everyone involved.)

“How’s Ilhoon-hyung, by the way,” he asks before they both leave the apartment. “Is Hyunsik-hyung still taking care of him?”

“Yeah,” Eunkwang lies and he knows that he shouldn’t, but he assumes that Sungjae has enough on his plate as he is and he doesn’t need to worry about one more thing.

“Good.”

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang meets Hyunsik in May.

He takes a mid-morning bus to Ilsan so that he can still make it back for his usual opening hours, but have enough time with Hyunsik to catch up on everything that he’s missed out on since he last saw him. It takes almost an hour to get there, even though the traffic isn’t all that bad for a Saturday, and Eunkwang sleeps for the majority of the journey.

When he steps off at the station, he calls Hyunsik who said that he’d meet him there, and he’s in the car park, he says. He should be in a black four-seater car towards the left when Eunkwang leaves the building.

Hyunsik has to wave him over because all cars kind of look the same to him in some way, and he gets in the passenger’s side. The seats are coated in leather and the inside is just as dark as the exterior. It still smells brand new to Eunkwang, but Hyunsik’s always been pretty good at keeping things in top condition so it could be years old and he’d have no clue. The radio is playing an English song that Eunkwang recognises but doesn’t know the name of or the artist – it’s one that Hyunsik used to play in his studio and at the dorm.

“Not bad, right?” he asks Eunkwang once he’s put the car into drive and he’s easing it out of its space.

“This is... very impressive,” he replies and he’s amazed even after taking it all in. “What are you doing these days? I don’t remember you having a car last year.”

“Selling cars, coincidentally. It’s interesting enough,” Hyunsik takes a right turn and his eyes stay fixed on the road. “Sometimes I teach kids how to play the piano or guitar at the weekend, so there’s that too.”

He drives the two of them to a café away from the heart of the city – some place quieter and more his style. They get a table by the window, and Hyunsik insists that Eunkwang can order whatever he likes from the menu, no worries. The pasta here is worth trying, or so he says, and Eunkwang goes along with his suggestion because Hyunsik’s opinion has always been trustworthy, especially when it comes to food.

“Hyung, have you been in touch with anybody else recently?” Hyunsik asks after sipping his water with a slice of lemon.

“Us old guys? Yes. Sungjae too last month, actually,” Eunkwang replies and he’s still more proud than he should be that he had even managed to meet him.

“How are all of them?”

“Doing rather well,” he assures Hyunsik. “Minhyuk’s the usual, Changsub’s a happy camper, and Sungjae’s thriving. I’ve heard from Minhyuk that Donggeun’s been great too.”

“Then what about...”

“Ilhoon,” Eunkwang says, and Hyunsik doesn’t quite react in a way that confirms that that was who he was thinking about, or at all, but it’s not like it would have been anyone else. “Has he not called you recently?”

Hyunsik thinks about it first, but draws a blank, “No,” he eventually answers and, judging by his face when he says that, it’s still a pretty fresh wound. “Why?”

“I told him to a few months ago, but I guess as much as I had hoped that he would, I also figured that he probably wouldn’t.”

“I see,” Hyunsik slowly nods to himself. “Is he... is he okay?”

“Not as okay as he could be,” Eunkwang regrets to tell him.

Hyunsik’s face drops a little more. He lets out a quiet sigh, and he stares at the table for a short moment until he can bring himself to speak again.

“Between the two of us, he still means everything to me,” he says, tapping the edge of his bowl with his fork. “He’s the most important person in my life, and I haven’t moved on either.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” Eunkwang replies.

“Mm. Believe me when I say that the only reason why I haven’t contacted him is because I thought that he didn’t want me to, that he really didn’t want me bothering him anymore, and you know.”

“You never do anything that he doesn’t want you to,” Eunkwang does know, far better than a lot of things, in fact. “Well, would you try calling him, Hyunsik? He seemed so lost, I couldn’t take it, seeing him like that.”

“Of course, hyung. I’ve been dying to.”

“When you do, I reckon that you should tell him exactly how you feel. All of it, no holding back.”

“I will.”

After Hyunsik’s driven him back to the station, Eunkwang takes the same bus home before the late afternoon arrives. He stays awake this time, spends the hour watching the scenery outside gradually change bit by bit, with his phone firm in his hands as he waits for Minhyuk to reply to the last text he’s sent to him. He pulls out an apple he had taken from the café – a bright and shiny red one – and bites into it until then, until a message finally buzzes through and he checks it straight away.

_come over tomorrow! you can tell me about it before we start with the singing_

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang meets Donggeun in June.

He’s perhaps as difficult as Sungjae to see in person now, if not more so, considering how he returned to Chicago shortly following the split. That’s why the closest thing to that at the moment is video chatting, and Eunkwang’s never been a genius at setting these things up, but he put in the effort and tried his best because seeing him again always means the world to him.

For a while it had worked, but Eunkwang’s laptop finally broke after being on its last legs for months and he doesn’t quite have it in him to justify buying a replacement with what excess funds he actually has yet, so he’s at Minhyuk’s place instead. And he’ll sing for him when they’re done, again, like he does once a week or sometimes even twice when he’s lucky.

“Is it calling?” he asks Minhyuk while there’s nothing happening on the monitor.

“Yes.”

“Sorry, I’m still not very good with these things.”

“I know,” Minhyuk laughs to himself and it’s not in a cruel way, no, it’s the kind that reminds Eunkwang just how much Minhyuk truly knows about him, that he never really has to tell him stuff like that but he still does regardless.

Donggeun answers soon enough. He shows up in the small window to the side and he’s wearing one of his caps, as usual, and a black hoodie. He waves to them both with a childlike excitement that he’s always had from the day they had met him. It’s been some time since they’ve last seen him, and clearly they’ve missed him the same as he’s missed them back.

“So, how are things?” Eunkwang asks only after they’ve all exchanged hellos and spoken over each other a couple of times.

“Well, I’m still alive,” Donggeun shrugs, then he laughs before Eunkwang has the chance to worry. “I’m kidding, I’ve been fine. What happened to your laptop, by the way?”

“Burned out, I believe,” Eunkwang furrows his brows, and he still doesn’t quite get it. “It’s okay though, I was going to come over to sing anyway.”

“Oh? You’re singing again?”

“Yes,” Eunkwang nods. “Well, just for Minhyuk, but it’s something, isn’t it? It actually started in order to motivate me to quit smoking, and it’s been working.”

“Then that’s awesome,” Donggeun grins and he means it.

The three of them discuss trivial matters for the most part – any shows they’ve been watching recently, if Donggeun’s been able to download Sungjae’s movie since it unfortunately wasn’t showing in the States, anything they can come up with, in fact.

“What have you been busy with lately, Donggeun? Got any plans for the summer?” Minhyuk leans forwards.

“Hmm,” he stops to think. “To tell you the truth, I’m not as big of a fan of working at the garage as I used to be. These days, I actually think that I want a change. I might even visit you guys when I save up a bit more.”

“Oh, definitely. You can stay with either us, you know. You’re always welcome.”

“Thanks, I’ll take up the offer for sure,” Donggeun smiles again, then he checks the time on his computer. “It’s quite late here, so I’m about to go to bed, if that’s okay.”

“Of course, get some sleep, alright? We can do this again soon if you’d like,” Minhyuk suggests before he goes.

“Yeah, I’ll be in touch.”

Donggeun signs out, and Eunkwang suddenly feels rather fulfilled about all of this. They’re not quite there just yet, but they’re close. He knows it. It’ll be this year for sure.

“You’re looking very pleased,” Minhyuk interrupts Eunkwang’s thoughts.

“I am,” he nods to confirm it. “Listen, Minhyuk, it’s halfway through the year now, and I’ve managed to speak to everybody.”

“And what does that mean, Eunkwang?” he humours him for now.

“That we’re going to be together again.”

“Maybe we will,” Minhyuk says and, somehow, it seems to Eunkwang that he now has an optimism about this too, like Eunkwang hasn’t been out of his mind and he maybe never has. That this ongoing hope that he’s held onto for years hasn’t been for nothing.

And Minhyuk’s going along with him as he always has, whether he thinks he’s right or not.

“How many cigarettes have you been through today?” Minhyuk closes the lid of his laptop and turns back to Eunkwang.

“One,” he replies with pride.

“Really?” he reaches for Eunkwang’s arm and places his hand on it, all warm and familiar in his touch. “I’m proud of you, Eunkwang. Shall we start?”

“Yes.”

Eunkwang sings a song to Minhyuk that he had used to when they were both trainees together. It had helped him with his range back then. His voice now is not what it used to be, of course, and it has the tendency to crack when he attempts to hit the highest notes, but Minhyuk still tells him he’s doing great despite that. Damaged or not, Eunkwang’s still got Minhyuk’s favourite voice, the one he said he had loved from the very first moment he had heard it.

And he sings, and sings, and sings his entire heart out for him, like he’s trying to make up for every single day that had passed in which he didn’t sing at all. He doesn’t regret that though, no, because he still believes with complete confidence that everything in life can be put right.

 

 

 

 

Ilhoon calls Eunkwang in July.

It was unexpected for sure, but when his name flashed up on Eunkwang’s phone, he knew straight away that there was news to be told about. As soon as he picked up, there was a kind of joy that he could hear in Ilhoon’s voice, one that makes February seem like nothing but a distant memory, but he’s still dancing around what exactly he had called for in the first place and it’s leaving Eunkwang slightly confused.

“Wait—Ilhoon, what are you trying to tell me?” he scratches his head with his free hand.

“You _know_ what, hyung,” Ilhoon insists and he lets out a quiet laugh over the line.

“Hyunsik?”

“Yes, he called me a couple of months ago,” he reveals. “I know it was because of you, but I really did need it.”

“And now? Has anything else happened?” Eunkwang asks before he says something wrong, because that has the tendency to happen to him and he definitely doesn’t want that right now.

“I’ve been talking to him again, yes,” Ilhoon admits, and he suddenly sounds all shy about it. “What I mean is every night, actually. Sometimes until he falls asleep and, hyung, I... I haven’t been this happy in so long.”

“You deserve it, Ilhoon,” Eunkwang reminds him.

“I don’t know about that, but thank you. Really,” Ilhoon laughs again. “He was here this past weekend, you know.”

“Oh! What did you get up to?”

“Well, I’m not sure if I should tell you _everything_.”

“ _Oh_ —nevermind—”

“I’m joking. A bit. I live with my _parents_ , don’t I?” Ilhoon snorts, then he pauses for a moment. “Hyung, I’m actually working again right now.”

“Really? Well done, Ilhoon.”

“Thanks,” he says. “I still don’t have any intention of going back to school yet, but I work at a library so I’m always surrounded by books,” he continues and Eunkwang’s proud at any rate. “You know—I _wanted_ the job, because I thought... that maybe I could save up and we could live together again.”

“You and Hyunsik?”

“Yeah,” he confirms it. “Because it’s easy enough that he can hop into his car and come here, but if I did this for us, I think that he’d know that I’m serious about this. _Us_. Because he used to pay for everything and I hated that, so it’ll be better this time.”

“I don’t think you have to prove anything to him, but I’m certain that that’d make him the happiest person alive.”

 

 

 

 

Hyunsik returns to Seoul in August.

In an ideal world, he supposes, he would have dropped everything and come running back without worrying about the consequences in the slightest, as what else but proof of his undying love. In reality, he had requested a transfer so he could keep his job, and he’s now working in Seoul again. It’s a decent alternative – not quite as romantic as he would have wanted – but at least he’s here now.

“It’s great to be back,” he nods and, as he says that, Ilhoon smiles to himself like he could cry.

Somebody else is living in the apartment that Hyunsik had shared with Ilhoon though, and he’s still hung up on that because he loved that place and all of their memories there so much, but they’ve found some place else to make new ones. That’s good enough – it’s the second best thing they could do. (And Ilhoon hadn’t actually saved up that much yet, no, but Hyunsik couldn’t wait. Not when the chance was right there in front of him for the taking.) What’s most important is simply that they’re together again, and they’re both looking brighter than they did earlier in the year for sure.

Actually, Eunkwang hasn’t seen Ilhoon smile since last year, and it’s only now that he realises just how much he had missed it.

“So, what have you two got planned?” he asks them.

“Hm?” Hyunsik sits up. “Well, Saturday is date night, so you know,” he says and he looks over to Ilhoon like he’s the only person that’s ever mattered to him in the entire universe. He still does, after all these years.

And it’s one thing that reminds Eunkwang that there’s the existence of pure love and goodness left in the world.

“Hyung, we’ve been thinking, is there anything that we could do for you? To thank you,” Ilhoon asks.

“No,” Eunkwang shakes his head, because this is enough for him as it is.

“Are you sure?”

“Well, if you could both come to our reunion, whenever it finally happens, that would be perfect,” he replies, and if for some reason he could only ask of one thing from each of them, it’d be that. Nothing else.

They agree, wholeheartedly, and now there are two of them whose attendance is left for Eunkwang to confirm.

 

 

 

 

Donggeun takes a vacation in September.

He quit his job this summer, having gotten tired of it at last, and put all of his savings towards buying a one-way ticket to Seoul and a good time. He’s staying with Minhyuk at his place, the better option because Eunkwang’s apartment is a constant mess, but he visits the two of them whenever it’s possible and sometimes they both listen to him sing, if Donggeun hasn’t gone out anywhere.

“How long are you going to be here for?” Eunkwang asks him.

“I don’t know yet. I’m thinking about moving back here, actually,” he replies. “I’ve missed Korea, and I’ve been considering teaching English. It’s better paying than a lot of jobs back home.”

“Well, let us know. We can help you, can’t we?” Minhyuk nudges Eunkwang, and he nods.

The three of them go to the nearby supermarket downstairs, because Minhyuk’s needing a few ingredients he’s missing for dinner tonight – fresh onions, tinned tomatoes, and maybe some beer that he won’t touch himself, but Donggeun could drink if he wants it, or even Eunkwang once he’s closed up and has some extra time before he turns in for the day.

He eyes the tobacco display as they walk by it, but he continues with them and passes it completely.

“Do you want to go back?” Minhyuk asks him when he realises.

“No, I don’t think so,” Eunkwang replies, and he actually doesn’t at all.

And Minhyuk smiles back at him with a kindness that he’s always had for him and it fills him with determination. He still carries his lighter with him out of habit, but he can leave home without a pack now and that’s progress from the beginning of the year.

“I’ll see you both later,” he says when it’s almost time to open the restaurant.

“If you’re too tired, don’t worry about it,” Minhyuk insists.

“Has that ever stopped me?” he laughs, and he heads off alone in a separate direction. He clutches his lighter to remind himself that it’s still there, that he’s still got it, but he keeps it in his pocket all night and doesn’t pull it out once. Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

Sungjae finally gets a break in October.

It’s one of the first he’s had since he debuted. But once it’s over, he’s got a whole lot ready and waiting for him to get into.

It’s better than nothing at all though, definitely, and he took it upon himself to contact Eunkwang before he could. He called him up and let him know that he’s going to be free until the end of the week, and if he’s still up for that reunion that’s been so long delayed, maybe they could make it happen at last. The seven of them this time.

“My restaurant this Saturday at seven,” Eunkwang tells everyone.

Time seems to pass by too slowly when there’s something to look forward to. Something big, that is, because Eunkwang always anticipates the next day, somehow. You see, each morning is a new chance, a brand new opportunity to make something else of himself, or fix any wrongs the best he can. And even if he doesn’t, there’s the day after, and after, and weeks and months and years still to come.

But this meeting – this reunion that’s taken three years to become reality – is happening sooner than he had predicted, as optimistic as he’s been until now.

And it has him thinking that maybe the world hasn’t completely forgotten about them after all.

Minhyuk and Donggeun are the first to arrive – no surprises there, Minhyuk’s a firm believer of punctuality. The next is who else but the other pair – Hyunsik and Ilhoon – and they’re positively beaming when they walk through the door, hand in hand, and Eunkwang doesn’t think he’s ever seen two people quite as enamoured by each other as they are before.

No, Hyunsik holds onto Ilhoon like he’d run to the end of the Earth for him, if it even existed, or he’d try to find it anyway. And Ilhoon holds onto him back, like he’d go along with him for the whole journey whether or not the search would be pointless.

Maybe that’s what love is, Eunkwang wonders, or simply theirs.

It takes a short while longer before Sungjae arrives, and his manager walks him to the door but leaves him to it once he’s inside. And Eunkwang’s thankful for that, although him being here at all is a triumph and the least he could ask for.

“Where’s Lee Changsub? Late as usual?” he asks the second he sits down, no formalities while he’s nowhere to be seen and that’s always been their game.

“Oh, he’s coming,” Eunkwang assures him, and he knows that Changsub never disappoints, no, but he’s not the world’s best at timekeeping either. Yet Eunkwang can count on him to pull through, no matter what.

He eventually gets here after the six of them could’ve had a round of soju already, but they’ve had the decency to wait for him at Eunkwang’s request, despite their impatience. He takes the one empty seat left beside Sungjae, although he most likely would have sat next to him if he wasn’t the last to arrive anyway, and they playfully bicker right off the bat. Eunkwang overhears Changsub jokingly questioning Sungjae’s new hairstyle, but all he has is love for him at the end of the day. He has from the very start.

“It’s already our fifth year. Would you believe it?” Eunkwang asks, and he holds his glass up high. “I know—I know that we’re not who we used to be, I do, but the seven of us. I still believe that we were meant to be together, you know. And call me a sap, but all of you, you’re still the best thing to have ever happened to me, and I want us to drink to that.”

So they do, with absolute passion and spirit, and Minhyuk stands up afterwards, “And to you, Eunkwang. Without you, there’s no us.”

And Eunkwang doesn’t even realise that he’s crying, that there are tears starting to well up in his eyes, until Sungjae points it out and they cheer for him louder than they ever have, even louder than when they would spend each and every day together. When they were bright and full of dreams and life.

But the light that they’ve held within them has never burned out, and here it’s burning more fiercely than ever.

“Everyone, Eunkwang’s been singing this past year,” Minhyuk announces and he’s bursting with pride. “Haven’t you?”

“Oh—no, it’s nothing—”

“Sing for us, hyung. Just once,” Ilhoon requests from the other side of the table, and they all follow him and second that.

And if there’s anything that Eunkwang would do in life, it’s what they ask of him, like he’s always promised that he would. He sings the song he’s been practising with Minhyuk recently, with a bit of hesitation at first. But once he gets into it, he sings it like it’ll be the last time he’ll ever sing in his life, that it’s the last thing he’ll ever do, just for them. There are tears streaming down his face, and his heart is brimming with his never-ending love for them, and a happiness that he hasn’t felt in so long.

It’s nowhere near perfect. He misses a few notes that are now too difficult for him to reach, and he’s nearly breathless by the end, but this is his gift tonight. It’s a show of what he’s managed to do for himself this year, something that he’s owed himself for some time and has finally allowed himself.

“You did good,” Minhyuk offers him a tissue when he sits down again, winded and trying to regain his breath. And he thinks he could be right.

The night goes on past twelve, and none of them seem to have a clue how. Sungjae’s been careful with his soju intake and his manager comes back to collect him first. He’s got a busy month or, even more likely, year ahead of him and he hasn’t the faintest idea when he’ll be this free again, but he knows who he’ll call the second that he is. They say their goodbyes to him and Changsub hugs him the hardest, for the longest, before he leaves.

Now, it could be assumed that the mood would ordinarily be rather glum when it comes to exchanging farewells and there’s an overhanging uncertainty as to whether another meeting will happen, but it’s far from it. It’s just not their style when Eunkwang’s been holding onto this positivity for his entire life and it’s infectious when they’re with him.

That’s the real reason why he’s like this, he believes, because he was destined to meet them and share it with them. It’s all connected. It’s a thing that plenty of people aren’t convinced exists named fate.

Eunkwang says goodbye to Ilhoon, who’s gotten slightly tipsy off of the soju and in high spirits, and Hyunsik who’s stayed on the safe side and will drive them both home. Regardless, Eunkwang asks him to let him know when they get there, just to be sure.

Minhyuk and Donggeun leave next. Eunkwang will see them tomorrow anyway, and maybe he’ll move onto a new song then and they can have lunch together too. If the weather’s good, for an October’s day, they could go to the coffee shop so Minhyuk doesn’t have to make sandwiches. They’ll have to see.

Lastly, there’s Changsub, and he sticks around until Eunkwang’s cleaned and closed up. They walk together afterwards, along the dimly lit streets of the city that’s now quiet and past other restaurants that are still open. He turns to Eunkwang when he notices he hasn’t lit a cigarette yet, because that’s what he always has done whenever they’ve headed home like this.

“Did you quit?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Eunkwang nods, and his lighter no longer lives in his pocket.

“Really? How?”

“Well, you know how I had started singing again?” he reminds him. “That’s how. I’ve been singing for Minhyuk since January.”

“You’ve been singing for him,” Changsub repeats.

“Yes,” he nods again, although he doesn’t quite get why he has to clarify that. “Say, Changsub, how about we go and play pool right now? Like we used to.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to be up for it. Like you used to be,” he laughs, and they change direction to one opposite to their originally intended destinations. They find a bar that they would visit together when they were a little younger than they are now – it’s still open for business – and they play until the morning rolls around.

 

 

 

 

Everything feels better in November.

Donggeun returned to the States towards the end of last month, but he’ll be back once he’s gotten everything sorted and he’s ready to move here for real. Again. Sungjae’s busy as he always is – he’s already started filming a new drama and recording his next album at the same time. On the other hand, there’s Hyunsik and Ilhoon, and they’re both living rather happily ever after like they should be. They adopted a couple of puppies together and that’s nice and all, but Eunkwang has never quite gotten along with dogs so he hasn’t visited just yet.

And Changsub. Well, he’s away for a national skateboarding competition at the moment, but he’s promised a night of pool games once he gets back. It’s not so impressive of Eunkwang to show up for singing after having stayed up for a large portion of the morning, but if it’s for Changsub, that’s okay.

Then Eunkwang, he’s still his same old self, and so is Minhyuk. Without even having realised it, almost another year has passed them by.

“How old are we now, Eunkwang?” he asks while they’re walking to his place, it’s chilly all over, and they’re both longing for the indoors.

“Twenty-six,” Eunkwang thinks.

“And do you remember what we had promised when we were twenty?”

“That if we’re still single by thirty, we’ll have to marry each other.”

“We have four years left,” Minhyuk says. “But, actually, I wouldn’t mind spending my life with you already,” and he pauses. “I’m saying that I’d be happy to.”

“What exactly are you trying to tell me, Minhyuk-ah?” Eunkwang asks, but he could have an idea.

“I think that you know,” Minhyuk replies and he’s smiling at him, so warmly, waiting for him to figure it out.

And he finally has, after God knows how long. He drapes his arm over Minhyuk’s shoulder, and it’s rather comfortable now that he’s stopped wearing insoles and come to terms that they’re the same height and they have been since they met. They walk on, turn into the street on which Minhyuk’s apartment is located, and they spot it soon enough.

“Do you think Christmas would be possible?” Eunkwang asks, out of the blue, as they reach the outside of the entrance.

“Christmas?”

“For us—the seven of us—or even New Year’s.”

“I... I don’t know,” Minhyuk tilts his head. “I mean, you’ve fulfilled your role, Eunkwang. You don’t have to worry about it anymore. You’ve done everything you were supposed to.”

“I know,” Eunkwang replies out of instinct. “But, Minhyuk, I don’t think I’m meant to stop here. Is it ridiculous that I still want to be with all of you? I don’t know why, but don’t think it is,” he shakes his head to himself. “The thing is, I can’t help it. I’m always going to be your leader. We’re always going to be BTOB, aren’t we?”

BTOB. He hasn’t actually said the name out loud in years, but now, at this point that they’ve arrived at together, it suddenly feels okay to. It doesn’t quite hurt to say it anymore.

“Yes, we are,” Minhyuk agrees, with another smile that’s real, and he pushes the door open for the two of them. “Come on, let’s get inside.”

 

 

 

 

Eunkwang is happy again this December, and it’s not the ordinary kind that he’s felt throughout his whole life, including all of the time that’s passed since they separated. It’s the same old happiness that he had every single day that they were together – the one that had always reminded him that they’d still be there the next morning, chasing their dreams and running with their hands linked when their hearts were all young and burning with determination.

Even if that’s no longer true, he still believes that they’re BTOB, that they’re soulmates even now, and that everything happened for some reason that he doesn’t know and might not ever.

And whatever may happen from this point onwards, that’ll never change to him.

 

 

 

 

(Almost five years ago, there was a group that had debuted under the name of BTOB. There was Minhyuk who could do anything, Changsub who would fight for whatever he believed in, Hyunsik who created endless masterpieces for their sake, Donggeun who tried his very hardest at everything that was thrown at him, Ilhoon who had become tougher than any kid should have had to at that age, and Sungjae who shone so brightly no matter what.

And there was Eunkwang who held their hands and led them through it all.

He did his best, and that was enough.)


End file.
